How toxic content shapes young Kiwis’ views on masculinity and sex

An 18-year-old Pōkeno law student says social media can be a “dark horse” during the teenage years, when young people are still trying to find their place in the world.

Donovan Gray recently featured in the Herald’s new six-part video series Under the Influence, exploring the harm social media is causing to young people in New Zealand.

Gray spoke with the Waikato Herald about how toxic masculinity, predatory AI chatbots and porn affected him and those around him.

He believes much of the toxic masculinity among young people stems from social media.

He said the algorithms used to engage people can prey on their insecurities, and create a toxic relationship that “almost hooks you into a dangerous rabbit hole”.

When Gray was 14 years old, he said controversial social media personality Andrew Tate was the “talk of the town”.

Tate, who describes himself as the “king of toxic masculinity”, is being investigated for human trafficking and rape in Romania.

While some of his classmates saw right through Tate, others “were pretty into” what he stands for.

Gray said “looksmaxxing” influencers who encourage appearance-enhancing techniques fed into the same insecurities of young people.

Donovan Gray, an 18-year-old law student, talks about the harm caused by social media for the online video series Under the Influence, produced by Overactive Imagination for the NZ Herald.

This type of content was dangerous and “promotes misogyny and promises prosperity and success”, Gray said.

“Naturally, insecure and vulnerable ... [people] fall into the trap of seeing someone who looks like they’ve all got it figured out,” Gray said.

“Especially during that horrible time as a teenager when you don’t really know your place and it feels like no one really gets you.”

Gray thinks toxic masculinity is more talked about now, but it’s “exacerbated by social media”.

“I think young people are particularly susceptible to the type of content that’s pushed on social media, considering they’re in the formative stages of brain development.”

He said the desire to fit in when young can be “intense” and the behaviour pushed by influencers “is harmful in itself”.

“Particularly when they realise that they’re chasing an unobtainable lifestyle yet continue to practise the disgusting and problematic behaviour.”

‘Predatory’ AI

Gray said AI chatbots were another growing concern for him.

While he hadn’t experienced “predatory” AI chatbots himself, he knew that for young people, AI is pushing “parasocial relationships to the extreme”, especially when youngsters are feeling lost.

“[It] provides a breeding ground for AI to swoop in, hook you in and stop you from ever leaving that space; it just forces you into a false sense of comfort within it.

“This is harmful, particularly if AI is replacing real human relationships that young people may have otherwise had.”

Invitations to watch porn appear in a young person's social media feed in the online video series Under the Influence, produced by Overactive Imagination for the NZ Herald.

Porn stigma

Gray, a cisgender straight male, said pornography harmed young people in New Zealand in two main ways: perceptions of men and women, and of themselves.

“Men are so frequently shown as dominating ... whereas women are portrayed as being ditsy and easily persuaded into intimacy,” he said.

Despite the “blatant lack of consent” seen in porn, Gray said this portrayal sways how “young men perceive not only sex, but women and men in general”.

“The way that women are portrayed in porn is frankly horrendous.

“It must also be recognised that people’s sexual preferences do vary and there isn’t a universal way that everyone likes it [which porn encourages].”

In terms of how someone perceives themselves, Gray said porn is “associated with shame and guilt, particularly amongst younger people”.

There is a “huge” social stigma relating to porn, with many scared to speak about their experience in fear of shame, he said.

This means they can “adopt problematic perceptions of others”, which takes a toll on themselves.

Gray said some people may not recognise the “problematic elements of porn”, while others might but are ”too addicted to kick it to the curb".

“Even then, following quitting, the impacts of consuming porn as a young person [during those crucial formative years] can lead to long-lasting effects on intimacy.”

He said it was important to reduce stigma around porn, while also acknowledging the “many negative impacts” of it.

“My advice would be to take a step back and see who the true villains are.”

Gray said he hoped taking part in the Herald’s series would encourage more conversations about the challenges young people face online.

“I empathise with parents of children, as things have changed so much since social media first came along.”

To watch the entire series, click here.

Malisha Kumar is a multimedia journalist based in Hamilton. She joined the Waikato Herald in 2023 after working for Radio 1XX in Whakatāne.